https://blog.spacehey.com/user?id=1029166The most recent Blog Entries by the User "★ patch ★" on SpaceHeyhttps://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=760132https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=760132parasocial connection. buzzing your hair off in the bathroom mirror. more, more, more; skin, bone, tissue, fat. more of a handful and less to handle. what is there to see through a stained glass window? what is there to feel? what is there to prove? the clacking of keys is the sound of divinity — the taste of loneliness is as close to holiness as allowance will let you. ‘here’s my hand, there’s th...Sat, 17 Jun 2023 00:16:16 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=696537https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=696537even those of us with best intentions are no stranger to hubris -- you'd do well to remember this. even g-d flooded the earth, in an attempt to cleanse. you did not create this life. you simply watched it. you simply helped it. and you tried your best to give it grace; to clear a path, invite the door to swing open on its own terms. and you let a prayer slip, soft and precise, as the guilt sits. a...Tue, 02 May 2023 05:32:40 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=685671https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=685671puke up blood and fever pills, stained pink. anything to keep your hands in your pockets. you feel like a corpse on two legs. there is so much to do in this world -- so much to see; so much to consume, consume, consume. and what are you going to do with it? hungry, hungry caterpillar, don't fool yourself. you will rot in bed. and i will pretend we're all something different. all something that isn...Mon, 24 Apr 2023 00:09:45 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=634019https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=634019spring into summer and it smells like chlorine; like disgusted looks in bus stop wait-lines. like skinned knees and painful smiles and "you're fine, you're fine, you're fine." the grass is growing, the weeds blooming and flowers changing, and the sun stays up until seven-thirty now. and i am thinking that the fight is worth the fall; that the lake is worth the kelp tickling the soles of your feet,...Sat, 18 Mar 2023 21:08:46 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=625027https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=625027you want someone to cup your face in their hands. and it's not going to happen. it never has before. you hug your desk chair until it presses into the hard expanse of your collarbone; until it hits soft cartilage at the center your chest; until it feels warm and human, the smell of your own jacket and clothes a simple supplement for someone else. your eyes hurt. your eyes hurt, and tenderness is a...Fri, 10 Mar 2023 20:34:05 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=578634https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=578634what would you say? i’d tell him, you’re not the villain of this story. you’re not a monster — you aren’t teeth and claws, you are not the wrath of hell and heaven, you’re just a man. i’d tell him, you’re not evil. you’re not sick, nor wrong, you’re just a boy. you’re just small and afraid — and i’d tell him, you have so much time to be good. you have all the world. you just have to breathe. you j...Thu, 02 Feb 2023 07:12:39 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=575717https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=575717both and neither -- void space. i have too much and not enough; you have too much, and it's not enough. what do you call something that isn't allowed to open doors, that glides through the walls and halls like soft, pierced air? what word do you use for the kick-me sign stapled onto your back? i'm barred that access. we're stuck in this room together, me and you; you and i. "curiosity killed the c...Mon, 30 Jan 2023 19:45:41 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=556965https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=556965i've been trying to add some updates to my website -- i'm using the old neocities page i had, now that i have a proper domain, like a live code demo. because i'm too lazy to figure out how to make a "real" live demo and y'know what man, work smarter not harder. who gives a fuck how i do it, if it works for me? that was aggressive. i did not get anywhere near enough sleep. anyway speaking of not ge...Sat, 14 Jan 2023 22:35:51 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=552968https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=552968memories will always be shaded in rosy hues. but i will try my hardest not to forget how my knuckles bled, or how your bones creaked against the cold brick; how the heat of aftermath plasma felt on both our skins. how the wounds healed. young & doomed, and not in the fun way. no cigarettes, no booze. the worst part of your life is the best part of your life and you will always be longing to crawl ...Sun, 08 Jan 2023 21:02:13 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=550904https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=550904intrusive thoughts have been kicking my absolute ass all day -- it's nothing new, nothing special, no pity please. but,  i've been trying to cope -- somewhat -- by listening to music. because it's kind of the only thing i know how to do when this happens, most of my intrusive thoughts aren't exactly the kind of thing you make art about. so! let's talk shop. most of what i've been listening to late...Thu, 05 Jan 2023 11:03:39 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=541025https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=541025you sit in your castle with your wifi-enabled walls while i count pennies and people freeze solid to sidewalks; while their faces grow blue. do you feel like a big man, covered in all that blood? have you grown numb to the way it sticks to your shoes with each step -- the way it oozes and drips off your clothes? have you coined the latest trend off how it stains your skin? is the metallic scent a ...Thu, 22 Dec 2022 09:08:11 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=536121https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=536121you want someone to hold your hands. to grip your fingers together until your palms bleed, until you come crashing through the numb you've set up for yourself. you want to heal, but you want to be alone; it's oxymoronic. you want someone to tell you they love you.Wed, 14 Dec 2022 21:46:45 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=536115https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=536115it's cold in here and i don't know how to treat myself. i don't know where to place my hands, where my feet go in the holds, where this carpet waltz takes us. i have no reference. it's cold in here and my mouth is full of needles. and every time i cough, i spit up a handful -- when i present you one, your only comment is disgust at the blood. not for the sake of it, but because you expect cleanlin...Wed, 14 Dec 2022 21:43:19 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=518602https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=518602the bugs will always be there, and i will always watch them. my children; they undo me and make me whole in one swift breath as they scurry when i turn the lights on. they will never understand that i am not something to be feared. they will never know the loving gaze i turn their way, when so many would swat them down. they will never know hSat, 19 Nov 2022 00:39:18 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=517095https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=517095you are unholy. you know this — it has been ingrained in you, a self-imposed slap on the wrist sticking, clinging to your insides. and you’d try anything to right the wrong of what you’ve been dealt, you’d bleed for it; penitence, a brush with grace, are the bones you’re tossed in return for humble sacrifice. and you gnaw out the marrow as if it were the word of g-d, himself. the low rumble of the...Thu, 17 Nov 2022 02:49:51 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=506334https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=506334you shouldn't have to mask yourself -- you were never going to be him. and that's not pessimistic; it's genetic. you weren't built for perfection, it's an ideal you can't hold in your hands -- it slips through slender fingers, and it isn't it better to be a spectacle? you pride yourself on this ideal, this true blue, this one, this something; and where does it get you? in my eyes, the weirder the ...Mon, 31 Oct 2022 00:08:41 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=495223https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=495223it's a sick sense of envy. it's standing out in a crowd. it's clippers, buzzing, cropped hair; it's never short enough until you can feel the blood on your ears, until your hands, fingers, are numb. you are me and i am you and we're no different from each other; you're not me, i'm not you, and we couldn't be further apart. it's all the same. it's all the same, and the drugstore's closed. it's half...Tue, 11 Oct 2022 18:57:54 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=490552https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=490552you try not to think about it. nothing good ever comes from the train of thought, there’s no point in thinking about it. so you don’t. it becomes inconsequential over time, a blip in the back of your mind; that hole in the wall that makes you wince and promise to fix it, but you won’t. you know you won’t, you can’t. there’s not enough spackle in the world to fix a dent that size. so you don’t. but...Mon, 03 Oct 2022 04:01:05 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=489492https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=489492this is always the common thread-line, it was always going to be. you find comfort in the hunted and danger in the hunter; adrenaline is as familiar as the back of your hand, as an old friend, as a pair of teeth sinking into the soft spot where neck and shoulder meet. as blood rushing to the skin and pooling out squished surface. somewhere, you want the title. you want the sharp canines, the crush...Fri, 30 Sep 2022 21:49:53 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=488513https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=488513sometimes i wonder if i'm a bad person. not by principal, but just on accident -- i wonder if i'm not the person i should or could be. and i think that's natural, right? it's natural to not know what the hell you're doing and wonder if you're the worst person on planet earth or if you're just almost-nineteen? i think it is. but that doesn't stop me from wondering. i've been watching the x-files. i...Thu, 29 Sep 2022 08:29:33 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=479230https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=479230through a glittery kick-drum there's a beat that says 'come on kid, come on kid,' and i do. it's all i know now. i'm a drone but at least i'm eating. i roll out of bed because you did, i brush my hair and paint my face and hide under creased shadows of light, because it's something to do; because you walked these paved steps first. you'll never know my name and i don't want you to. i don't need  y...Tue, 13 Sep 2022 17:19:08 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=451148https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=451148i think i might always be bitter be curling leaves of grudges, grievances; forgiveness is in my nature to a point. (and you're it.) in truth, it's difficult to resist tearing into the flesh of the hand that slaps just as much as it feeds. and, in the end, what am i now? where does bloodshed lead us? the crunch of bone; satisfying between my molars, marrow stuck to my gums,Sun, 24 Jul 2022 17:06:23 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=437892https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=437892i breathe and i hide under the covers -- the stars on the ceiling glow behind my eyes, and i'm safe. i'm safe, i'm safe, and it doesn't feel like it. i'm safe, i'm safe, and the paint is peeling off the walls. i'm safe, i'm safe; and g-d is watching me. all eyes open on the boy who cried wolf, the beast trapped in their den.Sat, 25 Jun 2022 21:31:14 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=437081https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=437081i listen to dolly parton and cat stevens and-- broken plates are a family-wide love language. i should apologize. i don't want to. do you remember when i split my calf on the neighbors fence? i flipped my bike going 10 in a 25 and butterflied myself, and you were mowing the lawn. you were mowing the lawn and-- i was afraid of you, not the blood.Fri, 24 Jun 2022 01:32:29 +0000https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=435986https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=435986i'm trying to figure out how to gracefully respond to rejection emails -- i'm also trying to organize myself a little bit more. it's messy. growing up is messy. i feel pulled in like four thousand different directions, and i'm not really sure what i'm doing. i guess that's what growing up and becoming an adult and coming into your own is about though, isn't it? not knowing what the fuck is going o...Wed, 22 Jun 2022 00:49:49 +0000